a funeral to remember.

I’m going to have the greatest funeral of all time. Here is what it requires:

• The Wilson Phillips water concert from the end of Bridesmaids.
• Confetti cannons
• A bangin’ sound system
• 200 intelligent lighting instruments
• 12 video panels

Whoever does my eulogy must either begin or end with referring to me as a cold-ass honky.

After the eulogy, I want this song to be played:

Then, I want a 5 gun salute. 21 guns take way too long and no one has that kind of attention span.

After that, everyone goes on the world’s most clever scavenger hunt. The winner gets my 8×10 autographs collection. I have a signed Amy Poehler dancing in the aisle in Mean Girls, y’all.

No graveside service. My epitaph shall be “Well, that was awkward.”

I know this sounds like fun, but please don’t murder me in anticipation. Unless I start getting really ugly and unfunny. Then go ahead.


This entry was published on March 22, 2013 at 3:52 pm. It’s filed under life and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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