aaron, oh aaron.

It’s the A to the A to the R O N
I’m all grown up now
Run and tell your friend

This example of lyrical genius was rapped at us in 2001 by a 14-year-old Aaron Carter, in his single “Not Too Young, Not Too Old”. Which, incidentally, only charted in Australia. It peaked at #80 in Australia. Definitely a winner. Despite its flawless delivery, the content of this non-rhyme is laughable to anyone actually over the age of 14.  No one is “all grown up” at 14. Even if you’re comparing the age, as Aaron was, to the age of 13, when his previous album came out.

“Not Too Young, Not Too Old” was the first song I listened to when I turned 10. I ensured this by having my finger on the play button on my boombox at midnight on my 10th birthday. I’d gotten the “Oh Aaron” album as an early gift and was determined to start off my next decade right.

was too young back then to really have any sort of taste in music and fast-forward to today and I’m too old to be going to Aaron Carter concerts. Luckily Aaron addressed this in that single 13 years ago so when I found out he was coming to UIUC, I was about that life.

The line outside The Canopy Club was ridiculous. The half hour wait seemed to stretch on forever because of the frat boy chants. At first “HE BEAT SHAQ! HE BEAT SHAQ!” was amusing. Then it became “USA! USA!” just to try to get people to chant. And then I was over it.

The only amusing chant came from when some girl in the second row tried to hold up a giant foamboard sign. It was the only chant all of us could get behind. “PUT THAT DOWN! PUT THAT DOWN!”

Don't be her. No one likes her.

Don’t be her. No one likes her.

She did not put it down. Someone grabbed it and the sign crowd surfed to the back of the room. Mob justice, y’all.

An hour after the advertised start, Aaron FINALLY came on stage.

Guys- Aaron Carter is hot. Like today. I know we all wanted to marry him 15 years ago when we were still wary of cooties, but he’s viably attractive now.

Weirdly dreamy.

His hair is pretty much exactly the same, but he’s off the drugs that made him gross and old and kind of rape-y.

Ew Aaron, don't...

Don’t do drugs, kids.

And now has the muscle definition that made him putting on an O’Neal 34 Lakers jersey for “How I Beat Shaq” even more wonderful.

He beat Shaq, y'all.

I should take this body language as an invitation, yes?

You can’t really appreciate how nice of a view we got to the skinny white boy muscles that he had going on.

This concert was at the Canopy Club so there was a lot of sweat and hair sharing going on, in addition to being packed together so tightly that everyone was pretty much vertically spooning against their will. None of that mattered, though, when “Aaron’s Party” started going. Everyone was screaming the lyrics and waving their arms and hands and I suddenly stopped caring about what I or anyone else looked like. I was way into it. I took >40 seconds of terrible video then shamelessly got my rap on.

To stay relevant, Aaron also did a mashup of popular songs from this year. He actually doesn’t have a bad voice!

And in my full circle moment, Aaron pulled out “Not Too Young, Not Too Old” just for me. I’m pretty sure it was just for me because I don’t think there were many Australians there.

After the show, I ran around the side to meet Aaron. With great stage door power comes great responsibility to meet everyone I can. Aaron ran past the dozen of us out there and into his trailer. A huge mass of skinny blonde bitches soon swarmed and started singing “I Want Candy”. We could hear Aaron beat back the instrumental part of the chorus (dun dun dun, DUN dun)  through the trailer wall.  After another terrible scream-sung song, Aaron finally came out to greet his people. I was pushed into the bodyguard trying to hold the line and we shared a “these bitches, amiright?” moment. Aaron signed my Moleskine a couple of pages away from Audra (albeit the page I keep some Krannert computer codes on), and I got the heck out of there.

Autographhh

Wrong page, but I forgive you.

After pulling long blonde and black hairs off of me, I resumed my Saturday night. Unfortunately, I had dressed for the concert so I was doomed to go out on the town looking like this:

What were we doing in the 90s?

What were we doing in the 90s?

The rest of that night was both spectacular and awkward, as Saturday nights in college should be. But that’s for another post. In the meantime, enjoy whatever above song inevitably got stuck in your head.  I personally will be looking up “Oh Aaron”.

Next celebrity post should be Nick Offerman…keep an eye out. 😉

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